mandolin | "How the Grinch stole Holiday Tea"

I thought I'd posted this old satire I wrote my senior year of college here before, but apparently not. It's in the vein of An Ode to IT, another Hood College-centered parody that I wrote strictly out of frustration with a certain policy. Since the holiday season is upon us, I thought it'd be appropriate to repost it here.

Backstory: For the longest time, Hood College had a holiday tradition - Holiday Tea and the dorm decorating contest. It was customary for the competing dorms to stay up ALL NIGHT beforehand and go all out in decorating their dorms with garlands, paper, whatever to win the contest. My dorm, Coblentz, won quite a bit - and we went all out.

In the fall of 2000, we got a new president - and suddenly, out of the blue, the Fire Marshal's office suddenly started demanding that NO PAPER or flammable materials should be put up on the walls of the dorms because the burn time was so short. The office was talked into permitting posters in rooms, paper on doors and on common bulletin boards, but NOTHING ELSE.

So we were essentially told a week before Holiday Tea that we couldn't use any paper or anything remotely flammable for Holiday Tea decorating or we'd be disqualified. Well, dammit, that narrowed down our options EXPONENTIALLY! It killed most of the ways we could decorate the wings and shot our dorm president's theme idea all to hell. Naturally, I was pissed off, and ended up writing this little parody, which we read for the judges when they came to see our sparsely-decorated but legal decorating job.

(In the end, Memorial Hall "broke the rules" and went all out with paper et al. They won - because they had a cinder block dorm, hence the quotes, so they could go all out, and the Fire Marshal apparently NEVER SHOWED UP. If I ever meet the official responsible for this incident, I'll throw Marriott pork chops in his face. But this parody got a lot of laughs. Footnotes for the non-Hoodlums are included.)

How the Grinch Stole Holiday Tea
by Mandi Ohlin
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every student
Down in Hood-ville ⁽¹⁾
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch,
Whose office lay above Hood-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But the most likely reason that this author delves
Is that he thought Hood students couldn't care for themselves.

But,
Whatever the reason,
(It didn't have to be good),
He scowled with disdain at the res halls of Hood,
Glaring down from his office with infinite gall
At the warm lighted windows below in each hall.
For he thought that their joy was an inexcusable crime -
It added microseconds to the hall's short burn time.⁽²⁾

"How dare they use paper!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Students can't be trusted with things that adhere!"
Then he growled, his grinch brain stewing and churning,
"I MUST find a way to keep anything from burning!"
For, on Tuesday, he knew...

...All the dorms full of Hoodies
Would be up all night decking the halls with goodies.
And then! Oh, the mess! Oh, the mess! Mess! Mess! Mess!
That's one thing he hated! The MESS! MESS! MESS! MESS!

Then the Hoodies, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
(Marriott-style, but a feast none-the-least) ⁽³⁾
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on the salad, and rare Marriott-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every student in Hood-ville, the tall and the small,
Would pass out Christmas carols on papers – for shame,
Since the paper just might go and burst into flame!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of Holiday Tea
The more the Grinch thought, "It's all up to me!
"Why for almost a century I've put up with it now! ⁽⁴⁾
"I MUST stop Holiday Tea from coming!
"...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he pulled a mile-long list from his coat.
And re-instated every old rule he could see
From 1-42-A to 96-15-C.

"All I need is a reason..."
The Grinch looked around.
But a good reason for this just could not be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! "I don't need a reason –
"The Grinch Marshal's say-so will beat back the season!"
So he got some forms signed, got his clipboard and coat,
And snatched up the list of restrictions he wrote.

THEN –
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
Into his red SUV
With the new bicycle racks.

Then the Grinch started it up
And the SUV started down
Toward the dorms of the Hoodies
In old Frederick town.

Many windows were dark. Few lights shone through the glass.
All the students were probably sleeping in class ⁽⁵⁾
When he came to the first hall in the quad.
"Let's start with Smith," the Grinch Marshal hissed
As he stormed through the doors with clipboard in fist. ⁽⁶⁾

He stalked down the hall, scanning every inch.
Any infraction caught the eye of the Grinch.
He outlawed a notice, a photo or two,
And just to be cruel, banned laminated stuff too.
In Memorial Hall, they heard him bellow:
"That evil pink spoon is the first thing to go!" ⁽⁷⁾

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most abhorrent,
Into Meyran Hall next, and banned every adornment!
Lights! Drying racks! Furry fish! Towels! Coats! ⁽⁸⁾
Bikes in the hall! Decorations! And notes!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch lit a cigar
As he stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his car.

Then he slunk into Coblentz. He went through it twice!
He took down the list of who's naughty and nice! ⁽⁹⁾
He stripped bare the walls, the ceilings and floors,
Why, that Grinch even banned name signs on the doors! ⁽¹⁰⁾

Then he crammed all that stuff in his big red SUV.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "Here ends Holiday Tea!"

He marked off his list and put it back in his coat,
When behind him, he heard someone clearing their throat.
He turned around fast, and froze with cold dread.
Behind him stood one pissed-off Res Life Head. ⁽¹¹⁾

Helena'd found something was amiss in the halls
(After students sent twenty-hundred angry phone calls). ⁽¹²⁾
She glared at the Grinch and demanded, "Tell me,
"Why can't you let us have our Holiday Tea?"

The Grinch had no answer, and started to sweat.
So instead he decided to fall back on a threat.
"It's against fire code," the Grinch Marshal explained.
"You'd better adhere to what I've ordained;
"Come Wednesday, if any of your dorms defy
"One regulation, kiss that building goodbye!"

Helena tried to talk sense into the old Grinch:
"When the students find out, you know who they'll lynch!"
"Oh, what the hell," the stubborn Grinch sighed.
"I'll let them decorate just the outside." ⁽¹³⁾

Then he left satisfied
That he'd saved them from fire –
Totally missing their stares filled with ire.
On their walls he left empty hooks, and some wire.

As soon as he'd gone,
Students started to grouse.
How could Holiday Tea be wrecked by that louse?

Then
The word spread around.
Enraged students screamed.

But soon
They plotted and planned
And conspired and schemed.

It was quarter to five...
On Wednesday night he returned,
Expecting to find dormitories half-burned.
"Soon," he said, "the Hoodies will see
"The price of their irresponsibility.
"Students and freedom don't equal safety;
"Even decorations outside will make them sorry."

"Outside or not," he scoffed, "they'll soon start to burn,
"Since safety is one thing that students can't learn.
"The Hoodies will realize this isn't a game
"When they cause their dorms to burst into flame!"
The Grinch sneered. "They'll all know tonight
"That they were all wrong – and I was right!"
And he laughed as the SUV ran a red light.

But when he arrived, he began to suspect
That he didn't inspire much fear or respect.
Students weren't even sorry! They weren't even scared!
One hall, when he came, obnoxiously dared
To line up before him in clothes red and green
And sing "Deck the Halls With Gasoline!" ⁽¹⁴⁾

And there were no violations!
It would have been fun
To at least point some fingers –
But he couldn't fine anyone!

He stared all around Hood-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
The derision alone
Wasn't the biggest surprise!

The halls were STILL STANDING! And yet their outsides
Were embellished all over – front, back, and both sides! ⁽¹⁵⁾
He HADN'T stopped Holiday Tea from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came – without flame!

And the Grinch let his clipboard fall to the snow,
And stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without sparks! It came without ash!
"It came without halls burning down with a crash!"
And he puzzled three hours, til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe students," he thought, "just don't deserve these insults.
"Maybe students ... perhaps ... can be treated like adults!"

And what happened then..?
Well...in Hood-ville they say
That the Grinch's small brain
Grew three sizes that day!
And the moment he realized that he'd gone too far
He tore up his list and pulled the bags from his car!
And he brought back all the stuff, and some beer for the party! ⁽¹⁶⁾
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch trimmed the tree!

FOOTNOTES
^{1.) AKA Hood College, my alma mater. :)

2.) Some of the hall burn times were fifteen minutes, a fact that had been conveniently ignored for many years and many Holiday Teas.

3.) Holiday Dinner was supposed to be a meal that was a cut above Marriott's usual bleah food, since parents and faculty were invited. Usually, it was, but the year before it had just been BAD. I think even some of the faculty complained.

4.) The Holiday Tea decorating contest was a tradition that had been going on for nearly 100 years. So to have the Fire Marshal's office turn around and dictate this now, out of the blue, made a lot of students suspicious.

5.) Well, come on, it's the end of the semester. Half-awake students are to be expected. :)

6.) Smith Hall, the first on the list, got on there first because it was one syllable. I know, I'm a dork.

7.) Memorial Hall had won the "Spirit Spoon" that year, a gigantic pink spoon that was given to the winners of the pre-Policies for Dollars Spirit Spoon contest. (Shriner Hall was closed for renovations that year, and thus did not win the spoon for once, and does not appear in this parody.)

8.) Meyran Hall, where jennies lived, gets the "furry fish" nod - the title given to any pet in the dorm that wasn't supposed to be there. Fish were technically the only pets allowed in the dorms. Apparently, there was a parade of furry and feathered fish living in Meyran over the years. :)

9.) Coblentz Hall was my dorm, and every Holiday Tea we'd make a huge "naughty" list and a huge "nice" list of all the dorm residents and the Hood staff and hang them over the main stairwell. I think I made "naughty" once.

10.) That was part of the initial demands from the Fire Marshal's office that had a great deal of people going "what the?" Since students relied on door white boards, and since more than half of us had metal doors, that was a stipulation we managed to fight.

11.) This is the ONE TIME that I can recall that Helena, our Residence Life head, was the hero of the moment. She got on a lot of students' nerves during her tenure, so a lot of people were surprised when she challenged a lot of the stupid policies.

12.) But I still couldn't help but take a pot shot at her tendency to have delayed reactions to things until they were shoved right in her face.

13.) Oh, this was supposed to be a compromise. Right, we were supposed to make like Spider-Man and crawl up and down the unscaleable walls of Coblentz? Some of the dorms could make do with their porches, but there wasn't much you could do safely with the outside of the dorm.

14.) I was told that some people in Meyran were planning to do this if the Fire Marshal showed up. We never saw him/her, but I'm sure they would have gone right ahead and done it.

15.) We didn't actually achieve this. It would have probably required a crane of some sort, although I think someone suggested red and green streamers down the sides of the building.

16.) This line freaked out the hall president and without telling me she switched the reading back to an earlier draft of the parody. This irked me, because it put "trimmed the tree" there and had the horrible last line "The Grinch let them party" which I'd changed because it fell flat. Had I known, I could have fixed that line and avoided the horrid ending. I was standing there, having read the next-to-last section of the poem, and twitched at that last line. The revised, improved version is naturally immortalized here.}